Sex, Dating and Relationships by- Gerald Hiestand and Jay Thomas

As a pastor, one of the things that I think is most important about any church is that it's a safe place to ask questions, express doubt, and test belief.  Specifically, it's important to see that the Bible doesn't back away from challenges and questions, but speaks boldly to a variety of different topics.  Likely each of us can remember hearing some variation of: "Why? Because I said so, that's why!" as children, and we would all probably admit that a response like that didn't inspire confidence or motivation for the requested behavior.  We often obeyed, but only because of duty or fear of punishment.

Sadly, many Christians see God as a "Because I said so!" kind of deity.  Over years, we've trained people not to ask questions, not to probe for deeper understanding, not to challenge traditional ways of thinking, etc.  Of course, with that kind of a church environment, is it any wonder that so many of us follow Jesus because of duty or fear of punishment!  However, even a cursory study of the Word would show that God has called us to Himself primarily for His glory; therefore, our begrudging submission is the last thing that He desires, because it in no way brings Him glory.  He's called us--wired us, in fact--to find the greatest possible joy in following and pursuing Him, and that's what should be the driver of our pursuit!

All that to say that this past spring I had the thought that we should all as a congregation ask questions about God and faith, and then take the summer to investigate what God had to say about those things.  It was a brilliant summer series in that each message was effectively "stand-alone", so vacations, guest speakers, etc. didn't interrupt the flow.  However, here's where it wasn't quite so brilliant: I hadn't thought about the amount of research and study that would go into such a series.  Whew!  Tons of new books read and digested in record time...

One of the questions asked was in regards to whether premarital sex was truly a sin biblically, and the corollary question "how far is too far?"  I found the new book Sex, Dating and Relationships to be a clear, concise, thoroughly biblical and refreshing treatment on the subject.  The authors base their study and position not simply on the moral code, but on the typology that's present throughout the Scriptures which ties the husband/wife relationship to the relationship of Christ and the Church.  With this parallel clearly in mind, the purpose and use of sexuality is no longer simply about following rules, but rather, it's a direct statement of worship and understanding of the nature and character of God Himself.

The authors make the case that God has instituted three categories of relational interaction: family, neighbor, and spouse.  The obvious exclusion from these categories is the "dating" relationship category--they state quite effectively that the process leading up to marriage is really a specific category of the neighbor relationship, not a unique category itself.  From the perspective of sexuality, this is a revolutionary idea: family and neighbor both preclude sexuality, while the spousal relationship obviously requires it.  Therefore, the basis on which we operate "pre-marriage" is within the neighbor category.  Simply put: any thing a young man wouldn't do with his sister, he shouldn't be doing with his girlfriend!

Obviously, this is a hugely counter-cultural position, and one that very few will take seriously in practice.  However, one of the great strengths of the book is the critique the authors give of the lack of true commitment outside of the covenant of marriage within so-called "exclusive" relationships, where unhealthy sexual activity is most often found.  They rightly state that an "exclusive dating relationship" is only as committed as each of the parties is to that relationship, and the fact that it can be ended immediately based on the desire of one or the other, with no mutual consent or process (read: the definition of a teenage break-up) means that there is no possibility of true commitment in that relationship prior to engagement and marriage.  As opposed to the traditional model of dating, they build the case for "dating friendships" that explore romantic relationships within the context of healthy community, and then when a decision for marriage is made, the couple moves directly towards that covenant with only a very short engagement period.

There's much more to the book, but it's a very important addition to this very important discussion, and I highly recommend it.  I think older teens and beyond will find it readable, although a bit challenging at times.  However, it should be required reading for every youth pastor and youth leader who are engaging these conversations with students.  I wish it had been in my library a decade ago.